7 Reasons Why My Anti-Bucket List Is Better Than Yours

Published by Percy Ani on

People talk about “bucket lists” a lot. There is a Hollywood movie titled “The Bucket List.”

A bucket list is a list of things a person wishes to do or achieve before they die.

In recent years, there has been a surge in the number of people who want to get things ticked off their bucket list. Call it the human need to achieve and conquer new heights or the sudden realization of the brevity of life. Whatever you term it, bucket lists are here to stay.

Some people go as far as making a bucket list on what type of lover they’d want to have or edgy thrills they’d want to do. Others stick to the mundane and make lists of special places to visit with special people. And for a few others, lying on the couch and watching a great movie would suffice.

But not so many people give any thought to an anti-bucket list.

Have you ever heard of that? I assume not.

So what is an anti-bucket list?

An anti-bucket list is a list of things you’d never want to do. You are completely comfortable with never doing them in your lifetime. Think of it as an antithesis to the bucket list. 

Seeing as I have always been a restless adventurer, I never needed to make a bucket list. “Why schedule fun when you can be spontaneous?” This is the one question that pops up each time I try creating a list. Besides, I suck at planning anything and carrying it out. 

At the start of the New Year, bored by the tediousness of new year resolutions, I decided to make a list of everything I wouldn’t want to be on my bucket list. That is if I ever got around to making a bucket list. So I created an anti-bucket list.

Some of the things on the list might not be within my control, but hey, a man can and should have dreams. Besides, making a list of all the things I wouldn’t want to see or experience could further help me avoid them. Right?

 So here’s a list of some of those things I would never want to suffer going through.

1. Crushed to death by a truck.

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Of course, I realize the frailty of man and the inevitability of death. I also am not scared of dying (of course, I am), but I’d rather not die by a truck crushing me. Each time I drive beside a truck, I never fail to say a short prayer and also cross myself. Call me superstitious, but dying that way doesn’t look pretty for me. Besides, that would mean I can’t have an open-casket funeral and so deprive the world of one last view of all my good looks.

2. Eating Monkey Stew.

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Who thinks up such things, right? Well, I do. I once had the misfortune of visiting a friend, and they were making monkey stew. As I watched them kill the monkey as if it was an everyday affair, I struggled to hold myself together. I don’t know how, but I was so shocked I didn’t know when I left his house and vowed never to return. Yes, monkey stew might be a delicacy for specific people and cultures, but it is not and will never be cool enough for me.

3. Walking in on my parents having sex.

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Even writing this right now gives me the jitters. I mean, who has ever thought of their parents as anything other than mom and dad?

Parents should be asexual. How could they be anything but that? I know this might cut across as selfish or even blind. But I never want to see my parents having sex. How do you unsee that? Keep all that nastiness hidden away, please. Ugh!!!

4. Making a Blunder on National Television

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Of course, I will never be on National Television, but peradventure I ever do, I hope not to blunder.

Some years ago, there was a man who debuted in the defunct “who wants to be a millionaire show.” He was so confident in his abilities and was sure he would walk away with a sizable return. Alas, he got knocked out in the very first round.

Most nights, I lay awake wondering if he ever got over that crushing humiliation on national tv. Before I sleep, I remind myself never to bring shame to myself and my family on tv if the chance ever came.

5. Spending a Million in a Club

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I know there’s this euphoria that descends on humans when they’re praised or recognized in public. Also, there’s a sense of fulfillment and power that surges through them at that moment. I have felt it plenty of times and hope to experience it some more.

But feeling euphoric from the praises heaped on a person after blowing a million bucks in a club is not for me. I know there are persons who get off on this and live for these moments. But I’d rather be in the spotlight for stuffing my face with more pizza than two men can handle.

6. Having my nudes on the internet

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Revenge porn is something every sane person kicks against on the web these days. It is so commonplace to have one’s nudes distributed on the internet by a disgruntled lover. Sometimes, a person stumbles on the pictures or videos and decides to profit from it.

Seeing as I am a private person, I do not want my nudes on the internet. I don’t want anyone blackmailing me when I decide to run for governor. Besides, why would I want to leave the internet world blinded by my godlike body?

7. Give a Rim Job (Eat Ass)

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Call me prude or old fashioned, but I’m never sticking my tongue down another human’s butthole. Rim jobs are popular amongst young people who want to explore and spice up their sex lives. I’m not one to judge, but that is cringeworthy. I dread scooping up feces with my tongue or swallowing the rancid fart of another person.

I am also dissuaded by the high chances of contracting sexually transmitted diseases. Shigella, syphilis, gonorrhea, and hepatitis B are some of the STIs transmitted by rim jobs. So before you stick your tongue down that hole, dig another hole, this time 6 feet deeper.

I could go on and on about my anti-bucket list, but this is not a book. So I leave you with this, if you were to make an anti-bucket list, what would make it to the list? It could be anything from deciding not to accept the ill-treatment of your boss to never eating pepper soup like me.


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