Let’s Talk About Sex (and the 5 ways people refuse to have it)
Editor’s note: this article contains graphic imagery that many find offensive. Read on at your discretion.
Sex is sex. Some people have it outside marriage. Some would rather choke you with a Bible before having it before saying “I do” but this isn’t about them. This is about you and I, the people having sex. Whether married or not, this isn’t about your marital status.
What’s your hard limit in bed? For some people, it’s anal. They would rather watch two maggots have sex than have anything in their butthole.
Don’t worry, I’m not here to judge you, I’m not your pastor. What I am here to do is shame myself and let you watch.
1. Anal Sex (Ass Fucking)
AnalIt’s the first thing I mentioned because this is a hard limit many old fashioned people share. For a long time, I could say I was one of them, old fashioned. But more people are getting into butt play. Butt plugs and lube have done amazing work in normalizing anal sex. Vibrating butt plugs are where it’s at, but I am an unrepentant virgin, so I wouldn’t know anything about that.
Some men don’t do anal at all because they believe it to be gay, but please; it’s where your prostate is. Have a finger up there every now and then, especially while she’s giving you head, don’t say I never do nice things for you. Guys, is it gay to have mind-blowing orgasms?
2. Oral Sex
This is for the church-iest of us all. I am talking about the people who sneak out of service to have sex and then come back to sing Glory Hallelujah. I’ve hung out with girls who were having sex. But since they hadn’t given or received oral sex, they still felt “sanctified”. It was something about their mouths being only for praising God. First of all, stop judging yourself, and now, let’s get to it.
Women performing oral sex (Fellatio)
Why do some girls not like oral sex? When it comes to giving, many girls see it as a chore. No matter how much they try, their partners would be unyielding to stimulus. Some guys will tell you that they’ve never had an orgasm from oral sex in a bid to make you feel competitive. They would want you to prove yourself while they lie like some kind of sexual final boss in a video game. For that, I’m so sorry, that sounds more like homework than sex.
Sometimes, it’s because the guy doesn’t keep his nether regions well…groomed. Can you imagine taking your head down only to see what must only be the beginning of a horror movie down there? My dear sisters, lift up your head, pick up your clothes and run. Run so fast out of there that you leave a cartoon-ish dust imprint of yourself behind.
Men performing oral Sex (Cunnilingus)
Some men don’t give head. Some say that it’s because they don’t know if the lady is well groomed down there. Others seem to believe that it’s a power thing, that oral sex makes them less of men. These “educated” men who have decided to be part of the “I don’t give head but I receive it” gang. First, romantic relationships aren’t chess. Your love life shouldn’t be a constant battle to keep power. Second, it doesn’t take anything out of you, but then again, I don’t have a penis, so what do I know?
I’ve heard talk about Nigerian men who do not want to receive oral sex. (receiving) because, according to them, Nigerian women bite their dicks during it. I have a friend on twitter that has picked this as the topic to take a stand on. He has been bitten one too many times. If you’ve been biting people’s dicks, please stop. I know dicks look chewy but stop it anyway. That’s all I can say about that.
3. Rim jobs (Analingus)
Before I knew this was a thing, I have had nightmares about people farting in my face. On rim jobs, I imagine people out there getting farts in their faces and poop in their mouths. It feels weird to me to do the job of tissue paper and water and soap…with your mouth.
Then again, I’m not here to judge. I asked a friend who has had her ass eaten many times how it felt. She waxed poetic about how wonderful it felt and how the guy ate her ass while talking dirty to her. The imagery almost made me want to run out banging a tin with a stick while screaming “who will eat my ass? please, anybody”.
But I’m still on the fence about that, for both receiving and giving rim jobs. I guess for all my talk of being open-minded, I’m still a bit old fashioned.
4. Pee play
Well, I have crossed the line from “old fashioned but on the fence about it” to “if you bring this nonsense near me, I will end you”.
It’s a thing for people to pee on each other during sex. R-Kelly did it to underage girls because he was a creep. But, this is not about the creeps, this is about consensual adults. While it is not as mainstream as some of the other entries on this list, it is a real thing and a hard limit some didn’t even know they had.
For a Nigerian, it would seem like the highest form of disrespect. Like I know we’re not acquaintances anymore, but that doesn’t make me your toilet either.
Then again, who knows? Having warm piss dribble down your skin as you’re in the throes of orgasm could actually feel…good.
5. Spitting in your partner’s mouth or having your partner spit in your mouth.
You know how I said that I wasn’t here to judge you when I started this, well, this might be where I deviate from that.
When I heard of this I was confused, then I saw a video and I was disgusted. They were spitting large globs of spit, into each other’s mouths. You know what? If it was spit, it would have been better, this was phlegm.
The video showed two people having good sex, punctuated with pauses where they spit in each other’s mouths.
Let me play devil’s advocate here though, you kiss people, don’t you? And what is kissing if not an exchange of saliva? Why does the exchange seem disgusting and less romantic when the delivery system has been made more efficient?
So that’s that about that. The key thing here is whatever brand of sex you’re having, practice safe sex. Don’t judge yourself. Don’t let anyone pressure you into doing something you’re not comfortable with. If it doesn’t feel right to you, it isn’t right for you.