The News In Satire

OSUN – A 36-year-old man spent the better half of Tuesday morning, June 23, 2020, rolling on the floor. The brouhaha started after a paternity test showed that he was the father of his two children. Everyone at the diagnostic center was in shock including his wife. When he regained his composure, he had a lot to say.

The man, Babatunde Oyetunde, started by saying his wife was trying to sabotage him. He explained that he and his wife had been cheating on each other since the second year after their marriage. It had been his plan to divorce the wife on grounds of infidelity when he was tired of her.

“It is not fair,” he said amidst sobs. “We have been cheating on each other. She fucks outside, I fuck outside. Now, I have children outside and she doesn’t.”

Friends and relatives gathered around to access the situation. Many called on the man to accept God’s will in his life and move on. The frustrated man replied “How can I move on? I’ve already prepared tweets on how my wife has been cheating on me. My new girlfriend is pregnant. And I have been indicted by three other paternity tests.”

When the woman was asked how she was able to keep her children infidelity free, she replied, ‘Na God o!”

Woke activist and Twitter Influencer, Choma Chika had words for the man. “This shows that all #menarescum. Can you imagine, he was cheating on her and he didn’t use a condom? Thank God for the smart woman. She used a condom and when it didn’t work or she forgot to, she immediately employed postinor 2.”

When Chioma was asked for the source of her knowledge, she said: “Everyone knows these things na. We teach them regularly at #womenarescum classes.”

A laboratory assistant pointed out that the children looked like the man who conducted the paternity test. He was immediately beaten into silence.

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1 Comment

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