The News In Satire

ABUJA – Popular Nigerian church, The Redeemed Winners Embassy, has announced a new mobile app that will enable users to pay tithes and offerings despite the coronavirus lockdown.

The coronavirus pandemic continues to eat into the fabric of the country’s economy. A church has decided to employ innovations to save itself from bankruptcy.

“We are experiencing a recession,” a representative of the church said. “Members are not coming to church due to the coronavirus lockdown. That means we won’t have our weekly offerings, monthly tithes and regular ‘sow a seed’ packages. We need to survive.”

The representative also complained about the lack of attention paid towards religious leaders. “It is alarming that people don’t listen to their religious leaders. Their religious readers are more important than the country’s leading scientists and thinking giants. If a pastor says starve your family to feed the church, you should do that. Give your money to the pastor as part of your offerings”

Popular twitter influencer, Bode Thomas, was quick to support the church’s stance. Speaking on the mobile app, he said, “Any church member that doesn’t pay tithes and offerings in this lockdown is stupid. It is true that people’s livelihoods are suffering a hit. That doesn’t mean the church should suffer. To restart the economy, we need to give more to the church.”

When Mr. Bode Thomas heard some churches were looking for ways to support their members, he was furious. “It is sacrilegious for any church to use its money to better the lives of the members. Church money is for building projects, buying jets and taking care of the church leadership hierarchy. That is why the church must keep asking its poor members to keep paying tithes and offerings.”

Woke Feminist, Choma Chika also had something to say. “The church must continue to exist. That is God’s plan. And for it to exist, it needs money. Lots of money. To get money, it needs to attract and accommodate all kinds of people, the gullible, the bad and the corrupt. The church is a business and its objective is to make people feel good about themselves. Any church that doesn’t make you feel good is being controlled by the devil.”

Chioma Chika’s view was reported in this article.

When contacted for comment, Arewa twitter said: “As long as our Muslim brother can keep sleeping with Christian girls and Christians guys don’t touch our Muslim sisters, we are cool with anything.”

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